One element of grief that is almost universal is regret, though it can take many forms.
Regret about not being with the person when he or she passed. Why did I step out for that cup of coffee? Why did I finally decide to go home for a shower after two days of being at the hospital? Why didn’t I leave the house sooner?
Regret about not having connected with him or her one last time before his or her passing. Why didn’t I change my plans and meet him for lunch? Why didn’t I fly up to see her when I had the chance? Why didn’t I take him out for his birthday?
Regret about not being fully present and attentive to him or her at the last encounter. Why didn’t I really listen the last time we spoke on the phone? Why didn’t I turn my phone off while we were having dinner? Why was I so distracted by work when I could have been savoring her voice?
If there is one thing that loss can teach us, it is how to live with more presence and more heart, to be truly present with the people who are still on this side of the veil. But how can we do this? Mindfulness practices align beautifully with active grieving because they help us move more deeply into the present moment. Mindfulness helps wake us up to the here and now, so that we can be fully present with the people we love. Since we cannot control what happens to us, we can at least control how we show up with others. One practice that is so perfect for this kind of presence is called hugging meditation. Thich Nhat Hanh wrote about the idea of hugging meditation in his book How to Love. He says, “According to the practice, you have to really hug the person you are holding. You have to make him or her very real in your arms, not just for the sake of appearances, patting him on the back to pretend you are there, but breathing consciously and hugging with all your body, spirit, and heart. Hugging meditation is a practice of mindfulness. ‘Breathing in, I know my dear one is in my arms, alive. Breathing out, she is so precious to me.’”
Practicing ways of being truly present with our loved ones while we are here together allows us to let go of past and future regret. When we are living in that refined state of grief from a recent loss, we are sharply aware that every moment is a precious opportunity for connection. But with time, that awareness fades as we are flooded with responsibilities and the grind of daily life. The practice of hugging meditation is a way to embrace both the moment and our loved ones with a full heart. For their can be no regret if we love with our whole selves and truly live.